Santa Claus as you don't know him

Every year around Christmas, the earth (or at least the so-called "Western" part of it) is invaded by an army of jolly Santas. Still using the same outfit chosen for him by the Coca-Cola company many decades ago, every year this old man travels from North Pole to each of the shopping malls in the United States, to warm up the heart of his beloved little children who are looking forwards with greed to receiving big and expensive toys for Christmas.

American vintage movies are full of him: Santa Claus at his home, preparing cookies and presents during the whole year, his elves and reindeer, him being so terribly busy on Christmas Eve to get all the presents delivered (many are the mathematicians and physicians who are astonished by the great number of places he is able to visit in one single day!).

He loves children. But do children love him? A man who isn't actually living at a cottage up there at the North Pole, who isn't probably as old as he pretends to and who isn't maybe as fat as a man who is eating cooking during his whole life is supposed to be?





















Thousands of men and women are hired every year by specialized talent agencies to throw on a Santa suit and ask children to sit on their lap and share their fondest Christmas dreams. Some of these "legitimate helpers of the real Santa Claus" are really creepy, haven't washed in ages, are completely drunk or stones or might even have pedophile tendencies.

There might be people who really enjoy acting as Santa Claus ("I was the star. I had my own dressing room."). But if you're not a vocational Santa, it's a crap job. The payment, the humiliation, the disguise (if it doesn't fit you well), dealing with children you hate (yes, indeed, the boy on the photo is Marilyn Manson).

And, of course, in January, no cozy cottage at the North Pole is waiting for you. They just kick you out. No elves, no reindeer, no cinnamon cookie smell. Hope that your sleeping place under the highway bridge hasn't been occupied while you were busy making come true America's Christmas dreams.


If a Santa Claus is hired, not only for a shopping mall, but also for a Christmas party at the office or a children's birthday, it's extremely important to hire quality. Search for professional Santa Claus agencies.


California has it's own Santa News Journal where useful information not only for clients, but also for the ones to become Santas, can be found. The journal's health section explains how to stay in perfect "Santa shape":

Health concerns are a major factor in selecting Santas for key jobs and particulary overseas assignments (like Hong Kong or mainland China). Most if not all costumers are not willing to take a chance that a Santa will become ill and not perform as well as he should or not be able to do his job at all.
The challenge for the professional Santa is how to stay healthy and still be a little overweight. He can have a belly like a bowlful of jelly but not like a barrel full of jelly. Professional Santas need to eat the right food and maintain a healthy weight.

In America, it's quite obvious who a Santa Claus has to look like (even though in reality, he's rarely a good representative of the original). But in Japan, where the tradition was imported not that long ago, the physical aspect of Santa is much more flexible: underwater Santas, techno Santas or even "Kyoto Santas", fighting against global warming.

Well, also in America some are tired of always the same red Santa with white beard. This "Black Prospector Cowboy Santa", for example, can be bought at J.C. Penney's for 29.95 $.

Many people are interested in Santa Claus' private life. Does he really live with nobody else but some stupid elves? Was there never a Mrs. Santa? Of course I could find some plastic figures of Santa Claus engaged in sexual activity, but - that's just gossip! It's much more reasonable to think of Santa as being gay - and a fetishist. I mean, spending his whole live in a cottage with a bunch of little dwarfs???

The following very cute cartoon of the 1930's confirms this theory of mine:




WEIRD GAY CHRISTMAS CARTOON 1930's King Picks Up Bums For Party! - A funny movie is a click away

Some say he's gay, some hate him for promoting commercialism of Christmas, but a lot of people say that it's not a coincidence that "Santa" looks just very much like "Satan". I found a website from on of these weird sects that explains in detail the origins of Christmas, of Santa and why Santa is in reality nothing but the helper of the Lord of Darkness himself. I didn't understand a word. Other theories say that Satan Claus is the evil twin brother of Santa Claus.
However, Santa Claus is like Ronald McDonald or Chucky - easy to be turned into an icon of horror (watch any of the many B series movies that can be found on Satan Claus). Or to be corrupted due to the financial crisis.

Leave your comments and see you next week!